Little Green Grasshopper!

         What's wrong with me? The burning question in my mind.  Am I doing something wrong.  If I do this, what will happen?  If I do this, who will I hurt?  Is this correct or incorrect?  It’s like I am little green grasshopper in the middle of a corn field trying to find my way through. “Should I go this way?  No.  This way?  NO!  This way? This way? Forward? Backwards? Sideways?  Maybe if I dig an underground tunnel that would work?  Ahhh, I am never getting out of here.”  Does this sound familiar?  This is me everyday!  Silly little green grasshopper.  Sometimes I even bring my feet out and play a little sad oh poor me pity song.  I feel so far away from where I should be that I feel like I am losing my mind.  Truth is, I am lost without Jesus.  I hope I am not the only one who feels this way.  That would be embarrassing…lol!  Do you feel alone when all you are trying to do is feel connected? Do you feel sad when all you want to be is happy?  I hear ya! 

My husband and I have this crazy friend who could pretty much make you laugh and cry everyday of the week.  His name is Doug Gould and he is the director at  FFR (Foundation For Recovery) in Medford, OR.  We like to meet with him for milk and cookies once a week.  Really?  No, really we have counseling their once a week and our lives are forever grateful because of this.  We are not addicted to drugs or alcohol but we are addicted to life in this world and the sin that come with being human. We are not perfect and are thankful for that everyday. That would be A LOT of pressure.

           Basically, we have been crappy and need some help.  This is why we have Doug.  I have found out some crazy things about myself and my husband through him.  God has used Doug to draw out the things in me that I never knew were there.  I wanted to know what my real issue were in life and why I can't get out of this cycle?  Why bad things happened to me? Why are people mean? What was wrong with me?  In my mind, there has to be an answer.  This scripture says it perfectly.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Romans 3:23 &24 

I still didn't quite see it even after reading and being taught this verse. I have been to quite a few counselors, friends and other people who have given me advice about what they really think my issues are.  Most have said the same thing.  You have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), you’re depressed, you have anxiety and panic, and yada, yada, yada.  No poop!  I have known this all my life.  What is truly getting me down?  Your not telling me what to do to fix this.  I need to know, please help me.  Doug put it plan and simple and it hit me like a rock.

He looked straight at me and said, "Renee, you are spiritually sick.  And another thing, so is your husband."  What? No way! Is this real? Oh no, is it contangious?  Actually, yes it is but that’s another blog post.  I have claimed myself to be mentally ill, physically ill, emotionally ill and any other illness you can think of but it all boils down to this one fact.  I am spiritually ill!  I need Jesus in my life daily, all the time.  Giving up ownership of my life over to the one it belongs to.  I have to in order to be well.  I have become spiritually ill living on the crazy train trying to figure out what's wrong with me when all I have ever really needed was Jesus!  I am fearful about almost everything I do and I do not trust the future God has planned for me.  I have tried to determined the future around my fears.  I do not seek God or the relationship with Him that He desires and expects from me.  I have tried to live a life off of what I was taught and what I was not taught.  Letting my decisions be based off of feelings and emotions instead of God’s amazing truths about me.  Living a life like this has put me in quite a pickle that sometimes feels to much to bare.  Oh Renee, you are spiritually ill, but I am God so have peace!

Declares the Lord:  “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7

 This scripture really gets to me.  I have viewed God as someone that will punish me if I am not perfectly following His laws and teachings.  I have frightened myself my whole life believing that I am always doing something wrong and I should be afraid.   This scripture says the opposite.  This whole time God has not given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of His gracious love.  It's overflowing!  Did you hear that?  It's overflowing.  We just have to receive it, believe it, trust it, and share it.  When we finally receive His love, grace and mercy we will be on the path of recovery from our spiritual sickness.  We start becoming free. Please join me in prayer!             

 

Dear Lord,

 

Today I will not let my well being require the world around me to pick me up and put me back together.  That’s Your job.  I will not push my husband to be someone he will never be able to be.  That’s Your decision.  I will not destroy every beautiful thing You have gifted me to be and tear it down.  You will lift me up. 

Lord, I chose to strive for something I have always been afraid to do.  To love You, love myself, love my family and love those around me without earth shaking fear.  I will dig deeper than I’ve ever been before and step out in courageous faith.  I would love for you to lead this journey of teaching and helping others know how to love one another by sharing Your amazing grace.  I pray by Your grace we may join together to seek peace that only you can give and we may live a life more pleasing to You which can only point us crazy little lost grasshoppers in the right direction.  UP!  In Your name we pray , amen!