Okay, everybody, say "Cheese"! I wanted to start off this post with this common phrase because I am sure that if not all women, at least most have hated these words sometime in their life. If you have not, praise God. This is an ongoing insecurity that we all have and struggle to overcome. Am I beautiful?
Seeing ourselves in a photograph is somewhat deceiving. We pray that when we see the photo, we will look just like those beautiful girls we see in magazines, bilboards, internet sites and so on. Our self-esteem is crushed when we see ourselves and realize we don't look like that. Why not? What's wrong with me? What can I do to look like that? How can I get clothes like that? Why are they so lucky to be beautiful and not me? How long will I have to exercise to be that skinny? Feeling worthless, sad, empty, ugly and hopeless are the few words that describe how women feel because of these fake photos. We beat ourselves up over this struggle we see as failure. Our culture brainwashes us to believe we are not beautiful because we do not look a certain way. Every ounce of God's beauty has been striped from our brains and replaced with lies.
Nothing in a person's outward appearance impresses God. God looks upon the inner beauty. The beauty of one's heart. 1 Samuel 16:7
I think the one thought we as women feel is we are alone in this horrible race to be the most beautiful. It also causes us sisters in Christ to have anger and jealousy which ultimately causes hatred towards one another. I can assure you, you are not alone. And I know this because I am guilty of this and I struggle with it everyday. In the eyes of my creator and husband, I am so beautiful but even for this child of God, my mind does not always believe it. I pray everyday for the wisdom to know I am beautiful, not because of my face, my body, my clothes but by my heart. This has always been a struggle for me. I was not raised in a home where beauty was based on God's truth but by the worlds lies and that is where my battle began. I was emotionally, sexually and physically abused throughout my childhood and never really realized the affect it played in my life until adulthood. Not knowing I am beautiful in the eyes of God has made for some pretty tough roads in my life. This one truth (knowing God KNOWS I'm beautiful) is everything and brings freedom in life that cannot be found anywhere else. I would like to share some of my story, a very short version and it has taken me a very long time to feel the strength and the courage to put myself out there like this. I choose to share because I have been in this place many times and I want to help others feel good about themselves through Christ.
I married this man, the man of my dreams. He is everything I ever wanted for in a spouse. God has blessed me with a man of respect, sensitivity and the ability to know what real beauty is. The saddest part is that I can't always see it. One year down the road, God blessed me with another gift. Payton, my amazing first daughter. I look at her and I am in awe that she is so beautiful, smart and has one of the kindess hearts I know. God did not make any mistakes with her. A new challenge begins. The fight for her self-esteem is pounding through my head. She will turn to me for strength, love, and reassurance that she is worth something. I now have three children two of them being daughters. How am I suppose to project self-worth to them if I can't find it myself?
I have to find my base. The place my insecurities all began. The reasons I feel so horrible about myself that I could not see anything but ugly. It begins with my childhood. I can remember many things about my childhood that were horrible and many things that have been a blessing. As for what I know, I was sexually abused until 5th grade. Many days I locked myself in my room, isolating myself from any harm. I created a world of safety and freedom that no one could interfer with. Singing my music with the hairbrush in my hand, gave me peace. It's funny to think that even now, when I am stressed or down I grab the guitar or piano and start singing away. I instantly feel peace.
My family was disfunctional and verbal abuse was overly present. Yelling and screaming, drugs and alcohol filled our house like water fills a cup. Once again, I locked myself in my safety box, isolating myself. The insecurities were building inside a beautiful child of God.
Middle school was probably the best part of my childhood. Things seemed to have died down quite a bit and I was able to have a little freedom. I went to a very small school, 10 in my graduating class. I had amazing teachers and friends. I also found Jesus. My mother decided to check out one of the churches in town and we instantly felt welcome. It was the church I grew up in and found my faith in.
High school was not so pretty. I started dating a boy who did not know how to treat a woman. He abused me, and called me fat all the time. I decided to do whatever I could to make him happy with me. At 15, Christ should have been my aim. I chose to take the easy route and starve myself. It was quick and fast and it seemed to make him happy. I say this because to me, this is a cop out way to lose weight. Exercise is so much harder but worth it. As a freshman in high school, I weighed 92 lbs, was weak and miserable. I never thought I could feel so terrible about myself than I did in this relationship. At the time I could not see that and I had no one that could mend and teach me the correct beliefs about myself. More hateful and hurtful things came from this relationship. Finally the relationship ended and I was angry and sad but I know it was for the best. I was going down a road I knew I could not escape from on my own.
I think the realization of insecurity came clear this year for me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. As a child, it seems you don't understand things clearly and most the time your can push it aside and keep going. Freshmen year it all came to a head. I could feel the world looking at me like I was disgusting, meek, and useless. How could it be? All lies. The magazines, the tv shows, the fact that I felt guilty for so many things I should not have felt guilty for, the girls who were rich and had everything, the first real relationship I had failed miserably, the main fact that Christ was not my world. I was starting to fall apart.
Finally I went to college. I had a full soccer scholarship and things seemed to being going well. Day after day, I pushed on and had my ups and downs. About three or four weeks into school, I started drinking. For the normal person, I think drinking would probably not cause problems, but for me it was train wreck. Drinking caused my depression to come out, anxiety to show is ugly face at full force and permanetely stay with me forever. Nothing about my life seemed right. I felt scared, lonely and helpless. Suicidal thoughts and actions caused me to lose my soccer scholarship and have to leave college. Now what?
With this as my history of self worth, how can I not know why I feel the way I do? At the age of twenty-five, I decided to get some help. I had so much anxiety and anger I couldn't be a good wife or mother. I was becoming the one I never wanted to give to my family. I started counseling and it was the best thing I could do for myself and my family. My counselor taught me to make a plan of successful escape. My plan was to turn into a healthy exercise junkie. I started eating healthy and made Christ the center of my life. I would run down the street running as fast as I could, yelling like a crazy person. I would shout out, letting the devil know he will never win. Crazy as it sounds, it worked. The burdens lifted and I could see myself as Christ saw me. Even though this did work, I am human and my struggle through anxiety and depression will always be here. There are days when I feel like giving up. There are days when I scream and yell at my family with no cause, praying at the end of the day, they will forgive me for my actions. Till this day, I still have to fight every doubt I feel, every insecure thought I possess and remind myself, the devil is and never will be stronger than the one who created me.
We go through things that make us insecure and I know there are so many women who have stories just like mine, some that are worse or better but we all are insecure. I pray that this world does not bring you down. You can look at your story and learn from it and use it to help others who might be in a place just like you.
We need to be strong and healthy for our daughters to be strong and healthy. Eliminate the pictures and garbage that tell her she's not beautiful. Tell her everyday what you cherish about her. Let her know she is a princess, she is the daughter of a mighty king. Her beauty is from her heart and kindness for others. I pray through any struggle you have, you look at my story and find hope. I will never be without insecurity, but I have Christ, who paid the ultimate price so I can feel Heaven's wonderful love. You are beautiful, you are beautiful, you are beautiful in Christ!
My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart, for they will give you a long and satisfying life. Never let loyalty and kindness get away from you! Wear them like a necklace; write them deep within your heart. then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will gan a good reputation. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek His path in all you do, and He will make your path straight. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn your back on evil. Then you will gain renewed health and vitality. Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything your land produces. Then He will fill your barns with grain, and your vats will overflow with the finest wine.
My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when He corrects you. For the Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.
Happy is the person who finds wisdom and gains understanding. For the profit of wisdom is better than silver, and her wages are better than fold. Wisdom is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. She offers you life in her right hand, and riches and honor in her left. She will guide you down delightful paths; all her ways are satisfying. Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly. By wisdom the Lord founded the earth; by understanding He established the heavens. By His knowledge the deep fountains of the earth burst forth, and the clouds poured down rain. Proverbs 3:1-21
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